Chuuuccckkkieee!!!

Still coughing and sneezing, but the tantrum route seems to have worked. I can finally drink my Chuckie Chocolate Drink weee! And I can even drink it with my Cookie Monster mug hihihi.

31/365 (2010 Project 365) : Writing Off Regret

A few years ago, when Marvin and I were still together and during one of our biggest fights, I did something I could never take back, something I will regret for the rest of my life. I took out all the letters, lots of letters, that we had written to each other over the years - full of emotions and memories, for writing is my way of expressing these emotions and treasuring these memories - and just destroyed them. One by one, I tore each page, until all that's left are shreds of a past I was so willing to forget then.

Now that Marvin and I have become very good friends - best friends even - and now that we are starting to become at peace with what had been, how I wish we still had those letters. Joy, grief, hurt, love - it would have been nice to get to open each one of them when we're at the end of our lives and remember that for a time we shared something extraordinary.

But I realize that it's not too late, I can still make up for it. From today, I will start writing letters again. And not like the letters I've been writing in recent years - distant, always with carefully chosen words, apprehensive, hints of emotions but always holding back - but letters in the way I've always written in the past - honest, transparent, and with all the appreciation for all the emotions that I am feeling at that moment. We'll laugh at letters I'd write of good happy memories, we'll lean on each other's shoulders and maybe cry a little about letters I'd write of painful sad memories. And every time, we'd hold hands and say "We didn't do such a lousy job of being together, after all."

And now, 6 days before we would be celebrating our 6th year if we were still together, 6 days before we celebrate 6 years of something wonderful that has evolved into an extraordinary friendship, let me start this project by saying:

Even though circumstances have asked us to move on, and the future has offered us both a chance at a much greater love, at a much happier life apart, let me just say that I will always love you. I will never know how to forget you. You will always be special.

30/365 (2010 Project 365) : The Us We Were

"How much to learn if we could spend one hour, spend twenty minutes, with the us we will become! How much could we say to the us we were?"
-- Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever

A Good Week Despite The Sniffles

Despite being sick for most of it, I can say that this week had been a good one.

1. Marvin got back last Monday and we saw each other for the first time in weeks last Tuesday. It's funny that he also got me two boxes of Choco Mallows haha! And from his trip to Thailand, he got me a metal bookmark with an elephant on it. He kept teasing me that that was me.
   


2. I had lunch with two good people from the office last Tuesday and Wednesday. People can be so serious around the office most of the time that I sometimes forget that they can be interesting and fun to be with, too.


3. Our team survived the UAT meeting with the users last Thursday. It was a tough meeting but at least we got out of it alive hahaha!


4. I found completely by chance an awesome cookbook (by Chef Nobu Matsuhisa) with all these awesome food photos!


5. Marvin has been sort of babysitting me since I got sick. He won't even let me drink my Chuckie Chocolate Drink until I get much better. I'm seriously considering going the 5-year-old tantrum route and just say "Please" until he gives in or my (already sore) throat gives out. Hahaha! Aww, but that is kind of sweet of him.

29/365 (2010 Project 365) : Nobu

The smell of new books always have a calming effect on me. And since I've been sick the whole week, I decided to give myself a treat by paying a visit to a nearby bookstore that also sells some English books. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but by chance I found this interesting cookbook, Nobu Miami Party Cookbook, with some awesome food photos. It's a bit more expensive than your normal paperback, but I knew I just had to get it!

Taken with my iPhone

I hope one day I get good enough at food photography to have one of my photos land a spot in some cookbook. And I've also been thinking about opening some kind of "desserts with a twist" pastry shop one day. Feels good to daydream sometimes hehehe!

28/365 (2010 Project 365) : You are Whatever a Moon Has Always Meant

The photo below was my view for most of the day - I spent a good amount of time today just resting on my bed. The light reminded me of the moon, which reminded me of one of my favorite poems by e.e. cummings, I carry your heart.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I love how e.e. cummings portrayed love in this poem. It tells of a complete surrender to love, but without all the promises and pressures that we oftentimes assign to it.

Sometimes I wonder if and when I can be capable of feeling that kind of love again. I did, once, but as Paulo Coelho put it, "...at times love builds mortal traps and ends up destroying the person who has decided to surrender completely."

I am still hoping though that one of these days, I can, again.

25/365 (2010 Project 365) : It's Me Again

I let out a laugh when I saw these cute piggy stuffed toys in one of the many game centers near my station. I just knew Marvin would get a kick out of this when he sees this. Hey, it's you again! I'm sure he'd tease me nonstop.

Marvin's back today here in Tokyo! We haven't seen each other though. I'm just a little annoyed since he didn't even text me when he arrived around noon today. Hmpf! He says it's because I had been cold and distant lately. How he can tell that I'm being cold and distant just through chat messages is beyond me. (joke lang) Hmm maybe I just have a lot of things on my mind lately. So if I had been acting cold and distant to anybody else, I'm so sorry, it's nothing personal. But that just means that I'm that comfortable with Marvin. I rarely let my anger/frustration/sadness show when I'm talking directly with people. Even if it's the end of the world, I might actually still be smiling when I talk to people I'm not comfortable with. So being cold and distant is a sign that I'm warming up to a person. Haha, yeah I know, I'm weird - a woman of contradictions.

I'm still sick but my fever and the swelling of my tonsils have gone down a bit. I think I'll turn in earlier than usual today. To end this, here's a video of Lea singing Aegis! Haha who would've ever thought this would ever happen! And Ai-ai is just wacky. I saw Ai-ai once when we watched her concert here in Tokyo with the love of my life, Richard Poon (ssshhh, he doesn't know that yet hahaha!) Malen, this one's for you. :p

Beef And Spinach Stir Fry

Spinach was on sale yesterday at the supermarket at just 200 yen for about 10 bunches, so I got some and also some cheap beef scraps for just 300 yen. I decided to make spinach and beef stir fry - I just cooked them in garlic, oyster sauce, soy sauce, and cooking wine. It tasted great but I felt it needed something more, so I finished the dish off with a poached egg. Yummy!

The photo isn't as good as I had wanted it to be, but I guess this would do and I was already hungry! Haha!

22/365 (2010 Project 365) : Comforting Lines

Sorry for the super late post, but I had been busy the past two days - I had to stay very late in the office last Friday and yesterday I was out with friends for most of the day.

On the train ride back home last Friday, I was thinking how easy it is to get caught up in patterns, to resign to the fact that "it is what it is". There's a comfort in patterns, in the repetition of lines - we know what to expect, we know how to react, what to feel, what not to feel. Amidst this world's uncertainty, in our own way, we get to know.

But there's a danger in succumbing to patterns, to the rituals of our everyday lives. There comes a point when we feel as though we had not accomplished much of anything. This is it? What's the point? We feel as though we had not lived.

Once in a while, we have to try and break away from these patterns. As most of us say, from time to time it's good to push yourself beyond your comfort zone.

20/365 (2010 Project 365) : Giddy

My mind is blank. Hence, the unrelated title and photo.

I think I have to keep myself in check more. A self preservation kind of thing. I shouldn't be too transparent (Marvin keeps on telling me I am) and I think I've done a pretty good job these past few days.

How do kids these days say it - p-p-p-poker face? Hahaha.

19/365 (2010 Project 365) : You'll Be Safe Here

Because I cannot do anything more than be your friend from a distance.
I sincerely hope you are managing just fine during this difficult time.

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
-- Rivermaya, You'll Be Safe Here

18/365 (2010 Project 365) : I Walk Alone

I was about to send a text message to you today, but I remembered that you're not here.

I miss my friend. So much. ='(

Taken with my iPhone

17/365 (2010 Project 365) : Unspoken Tears

It's very difficult for me to open up to other people. There are practically only a handful of people with whom I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down, to be myself, to openly talk about silly stuff and serious matters, to be blunt, to be honest, to not feel the need to censor myself.

To those people, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing with me simple joys, for understanding my sometimes silly and sometimes valid anxieties, and for seeing even my unspoken tears. You know who you all are.

Sundays always gets me sentimental.

16/365 (2010 Project 365) : Rebound

Isn't it great that after every missed attempt, you can always try again. The goal will still be there, it is never gone. You are even given a fresh clock. All you have to do is want it and jump.

PS: Yep, the ball is mine. I haven't used it in a long while, though. (Paging Jerry, Au, and the rest of the MetaBoys (メタボ) - game?!?)

14/365 (2010 Project 365) : 7th Heaven

I miss my family, my 7th Heaven.

I was feeling a bit down today so I took out the box of letters (lots of letters!) from my family and went through all of them again. I still cry every time. I think I got my love for writing from my mother. I just wish I also got that beautiful cursive haha!

I miss my father's favorite line, which he still tells me even when I'm already a year shy of 30 - "Always be a good girl, ok?"

And I always have to stop and sob uncontrollably whenever I read my favorite lines from one of my mother's letters - "I really wanted you to stay, but on the other hand, I don't want to clip your wings. ... Who would have ever thought that a shy girl like you could dare to do such an endeavor. You were so overprotected...now look at you."

I love you, always.

And I'll always keep in mind one quote from one of the letters:
To be honest, to be kind; to earn a little and to spend a little less; to make on the whole one family happier for his presence; to renounce where that shall be necessary, and not to be embittered; to keep a few friends, without capitulation; above all, on the same conditions to keep friends with himself; here is a task for all that a man has of fortitude and delicacy. -- Robert Louis Stevenson

(7th Heaven was a show about a big loving family in a fictional town called Glen Oak, California.)

13/365 (2010 Project 365) : Thank You

Today, let me say goodbye to one of the biggest reasons I have gone this far in Tokyo.

Kikutake Sensei, thank you for patiently guiding every stroke, every syllable, every particle that until now we oftentimes get wrong anyway, that helped us achieve what we have come in this country for.

謝 : We may someday forget how to write this kanji, but what it means - and how much more you have made that kanji mean to us because of your kindness, patience, and care - we will never forget.

This Made My Day!

Two of my favorite people together! Yay!
Richard Poon is so cute! Lea too! I love the way they tease each other while singing. :p

Oh, and I got some info from Icel, who apparently knows Richard's manager. I still can't believe he's already 35?!? Haha when I saw him last year up close, he seems so young, and he acts like a kid. And according to Icel, he's very down to earth, funny, and when it comes to work, very professional. Always gets it in one take! :D Haha sorry I sound like a starstruck teenager hehehe!

12/365 (2010 Project 365) : Almost

I almost had you, but I waited too long.

11/365 (2010 Project 365) : Feigning Warmth

I think people have become so used to feigning warmth that when you try to show someone love, affection, or care, it is oftentimes met with suspicion instead of appreciation. I wish we could go back to the time when words and actions still touch our lives in the most sincere and innocent way.

A Productive Weekend For Food Photography

Just sharing the food photos I was able to shoot this past weekend. I'm quite happy with them and although it may or may not show, I feel my skills have improved compared to last year. And now, I'm more comfortable shooting and composing my shots.

Unintentionally, yellow seems to be the theme for this weekend. Happy color! :)

Sushi

A Perfect Sunny Side Up Egg

Shrimp in White Wine

All About Colors

I just hope the next weekend will be even more productive.

Selfish

Can I really do this?

Most days I think I can, but then you always manage to drag me back to where I started. You can be that selfish sometimes. Yet you always apologize and tell me I deserve better. Sometimes you confuse me about what you exactly mean by better.

I need this. I want this. So just let me.

10/365 (2010 Project 365) : Get It Together

After an almost 3-month hiatus, I was able to drag myself back to the gym this afternoon. Finally!

Although I did not change my usual cardio routine, I'm sure my muscles have become used to the sedentary lifestyle I've been living these past months that I did reduce the weight I use on the machines to kind of ease my muscles back into a more active lifestyle. :D

I hope this is not a one-time "I had to do it" thing and that I can get this back into my routine. I'm not only doing this to lose weight but to actually get more fit and healthy (yes, a plus size can still be fit and healthy you know). A few years back, I was already fat then but not this fat, and I can still play basketball, climb up several flights of stairs, and go jogging without feeling that I'm going to pass out. And I used to be strong, way stronger than what people perceive me to be (just ask Marvin!), but now, I sometimes have trouble just opening a jar of [insert unhealthy bottled food here].

I'm determined to get it together and get back into shape.

9/365 (2010 Project 365) : Something To Hang On To

We always feel the need to hang on to something. For some, it may be a thing they otherwise have no use for but still keep way in the back of their closets. For most of us, it is a relationship, a job, or it may even be an ideal. It makes us feel secure. It makes us feel that even if our whole world comes crashing down on us, we at least have that.

For me, it is the false sense of security that I am with someone, that I am his and he is mine. Immersed in the chaos of Tokyo city life, it comforted me that even in this strange place, I at least belong to somebody.

And so for six years I've held on to a love that had always been meant to be lost. I held on as tightly as I could, thinking that each added effort would be the moment that everything will again become as magical as the first glimpse of us.

But now, I finally dared to let go. It is terrifying but at the same time liberating. For the first time in years, I will finally be able to live my own life, to discover what I really want and to realize what I truly need.

Oh, and there's nothing quite like the thrill of free falling. =)

8/365 (2010 Project 365) : Raw

I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to show myself unadorned with all the expectations of the world I chose to be a part of, to be stripped of all pretension, to let others see right through me without apprehension. To be raw, pure, unedited.

7/365 (2010 Project 365) : 19 Nights And Forever

My number one critic and fan (according to him) will be on vacation in the Philippines for the next 19 days. Just 19 days, but in my mind it might as well have been forever - we haven't been apart for this long in the past 3 years. The physical (non)contact I can take, but it's quite disorienting and overwhelming that for the next two weeks, there is not a single soul in Tokyo that knows me. That is scary.

6/365 (2010 Project 365) : If You Could See Me Now

...would you be proud of the person I've become?

Today is my dad's birthday. I love him so much and I miss him terribly. I wish I were back home in the Philippines so I could greet him in person. I wish I were back home so I could ask him if I'm doing just fine or if I'm doing something wrong. I wish he could see me and I could show him, not the person I was before I left, but the person I have let this place mold me into, and even after that, he would still smile and say "I love you little darling".

I love you Papa. I will always be your baby girl, your darling Pupung.

5/365 (2010 Project 365) : Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Taken with my iPhone

A few years ago, after Paul and I watched the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (no, not together), I said to him that I wish it were true - that you can have something done to your brain that would make you forget certain things in your past. For the past few years ever since I came to Japan, it seems that's all I ever wanted - a way to forget the past as if it never happened and to get a clean slate. No mistakes that people can judge you by.

But just this evening, as I was browsing through old emails from someone I hope I may call friend, one email made me realize how precious it is that we get to remember. We get to remember not only the way each moment of joy made us smile, but how alive and happy we felt. We get to remember not only the way every hurt made us cry, but how we picked ourselves up that led to the wonderful life we are living right now. I know I still have a long way to go to finally accept and be at peace with the hurts and mistakes of the past, but as I said in a previous post, when I finally get there, hopefully I will finally understand that although the past will always be a part of who I am, I can still be the person I have always wanted myself to be.

4/365 (2010 Project 365) : All Else Fades

Between the shadows, amidst the noise, in my mind, WE make sense.

Taken with my iPhone

3/365 (2010 Project 365) : I Noticed

I was on my way back to my friend's apartment in Kinshicho after buying lunch and coffee when I noticed a familiar but odd tower-like structure still under construction in the background. Familiar because I remember seeing something similar on TV the other day, odd because I've never noticed that before when I go to my friend's apartment (which is quite often - something like a few times each week). Then it hit me - it was the Tokyo Sky Tree!

Taken with my iPhone

It's funny how and when we notice the things we do. It had been there right in front of us or lodged deep in our subconscious for the longest time, but it takes that special instant - it may be that sudden recognition of something you've never given even a second thought to or that moment of acceptance of a growing realization you've been denying most especially to yourself - for us to just notice.

And recently, I have noticed you. The way your eyes look their kindest when you smile and say "Hi". The way you put your palm up to say "Bye". The way your face turns to different shades of red when you get embarrassed or frustrated. The way your eyes dance when you're nervous and you're trying to hide it. The way you laugh, the way you frown, your pout, your smile.

And I noticed me, too. The way I smile when you do the silly things you do. The way I laugh myself silly at even your corniest jokes. The way I look away when I walk past you, afraid that you might see how you make me feel. The way I am calmed by the sound of your voice, by the words you speak. The way I feel whenever I am near you and whenever I am not.

My eyes on yours. Your eyes on mine. Maybe you'd notice it too.

2/365 (2010 Project 365) : Health

Nothing really inspired me enough today that would be worth becoming today's photo, but as I was walking home from a get together at Remy's apartment, I passed by a clinic in Tamachi that although already closed, had a huge green cross still lit up. It was really striking against the dark, empty building and the dimness of the street lamp a few feet away, and it just faintly lit the slogan on the bulletin board beside it - Safety and Health. Aha, and that's my photo of the day.

Taken with my iPhone

I think that will be a major focus for my 2010 - Health. Physical and emotional health. I need to love my body and myself more.

First, I have to actually believe that no matter how I actually look, I am a beautiful person. Until now, I still don't get why people mistake me as being pretty, when all I can see is a forehead wide enough for an airplane to mistake it for an airstrip, cheeks that look like something you'd order from a Chinese restaurant, skin that could land me a job as the "before" girl in a ProActiv ad, and thighs that could pass for Chinese ham. Yes, honestly, that's how I see myself, and no, I'm not fishing for anything. Yeah, it doesn't really show since I post close-up photos of my face in Facebook, but you have to understand that those are handpicked from thousands of photos and I practically jump for joy whenever I find a decent photo of me that I just have to post it. But enough of that "oh poor ugly me" mentality this year. I believe I am beautiful, whether I actually am or not. =p

Second, if I want to have even the slightest chance of getting that fairytale wedding before my late 30s, I have to get rid of the jeans-and-shirt mentality. Yes, jeans and shirts got me through college just fine, but for a single woman in her late 20s to early 30s, it just won't cut it. As my friends put it, the man of your dreams won't just turn up one day on your doorstep and ask you to marry him after you answer the door in a pigtail, a worn out shirt, and with your face as plain as a blank canvas. And as Icel put it, I have to dress up a little, put more than a little touch of make-up that's noticeable but not too much, and invest in some good hair products hahaha!

Third, whether I admit it or not, and whether it shows or not, my body is getting older and I need to eat smart and exercise right. This year, no matter how busy or lazy I get, I'm hitting the gym at least thrice a week and no more food binges - even on worse-than-a-break-up days.

Lastly, I have to get rid of the emotional baggages I've been carrying for the past 6 or 7 years. How can I move forward if I keep looking back? And no matter how ugly the years before had been, nothing is beyond repair. I just have to be at peace with my past and not just learn to let it go, but accept that it happened and that it will always be a part of who I am, and still know that I can still be the person I imagined myself to be.


==========

Today's "Things To Be Thankful For":

1. Jerry invited me to a get together at Remy's house and I'm really glad I went. Good food care of Jerry, hearty laughter with Remy, Janet, Jerry, and Erwin, and of course, tequila shots!
2. I had enough leftovers from New Year's Day dinner so I didn't have to cook anything the whole day, yipee!
3. Marvin promised to buy me Fibisco Chocolate Mallows tomorrow from a Filipino store near his house. I'm excited! Chocolate Mallows was one of my favorite treats as a kid.

1/365 (2010 Project 365) : A Clean Slate

I've always wanted to try doing a Project 365 for some time now, but whenever I find the time for it, I always sense something off about the timing. But today when I took the photo below of the Tokyo Tower as the clock struck past midnight to 2010, I realized that I will be turning 30 this year, and I remembered what my very best friends here in Tokyo always tell me - that life begins at 30, I knew that this was the start I was waiting for. The timing was just right.

Taken with my iPhone

Here's to new beginnings, a fresh start, a clean slate. Happy New Year everyone!


==========

Today's "Things To Be Thankful For":
(Technically, it was still December 31st when some of these happened, but it was New Year's Eve, so I'm counting them as January 1st.)

1. Icel and I had a great "bonding" dinner and we talked about everything - well, mostly about the sometimes happy, sometimes confusing, sometimes exciting, sometimes sad and sorry state of our love lives, but isn't that everything for the young at heart? Bwahaha. We missed May and Malen though.
2. Icel told me that Eric remembered me as "the one with the cute face". It's childish I know, but that made me quite happy haha!
   
3. Icel and I ran all the way from Outback to Tokyo Tower with just under 20 minutes left till midnight and made it to the countdown, yay! It was our first time to join the Tokyo Tower countdown and it was so touching and exciting to share that moment with one of my best friends and one of the most honest and kindhearted people I know.
   
4. Marvin woke me up at 11AM with a box of chicken, a box of mini cakes, and one Krispy Kreme doughnut he snuck out for me from his office New Year's Day treat. That was quite sweet. ^_^ (He was on night duty on New Year's eve)
5. Icel texted me this: "Love you Anna. And so love yourself." Aww, love you too sis! I don't know how I could have survived 2009 without you, May, and Malen. Oh, and Icel also told me she and Eric loved the brownies I made them yayy!!