Tin's Gift

I had quite a few tries writing about Tin G’s farewell party last Saturday, but after a while, I’ve come to realize that it’s better to leave this experience as it is. Words would only ruin the experience; words would only oversimplify the emotions that were expressed and the words that were shared between true friends. Instead, let me write about one big realization I had during the party.

After living here in Japan for more than 5 years and experiencing different types and levels of relationships with various people, I have come to believe that this is no place to cultivate deep friendships and lifelong relationships. Why? Because in this place of party-all-night-and-not-remember-a-thing Roppongi, of work-till-you-drop overtime, of travel and tourists, it’s a given that people always leave, nothing good ever lasts, and it’s best to keep one’s distance to avoid getting disappointed. Now, while I always give what I can to and for a friend, I would never let it go beyond the point where I will someday have to say “I miss you” with much heartfelt longing and innocence. I take great pains to avoid getting too attached to a person; I avoid any interaction that would cultivate a sense of longing, a sense of need for that someone. And so far, it has been a successful and smart strategy. People have come and gone in my life and I have never felt anything more than a fleeting sense of nostalgia. I’ve shed a few tears, yes, but never to an extent where I wanted to say “Please stay”.

That is, until last Saturday night. After hearing Tin’s speech as well as the heartfelt and heartbreaking speeches of each of us (surprisingly, including mine) for our dear friend, I realized that I would give anything to feel what everyone else in the room was feeling. Tin and I had our moments but, largely through my own fault, our friendship never grew into what I think now it could have been. While I indeed avoided that pain of losing someone you need and love and care for so much, I now feel a pain much greater – the pain of losing what I could have had but never really did. Sadly enough, I wanted so much to say “Please stay” not because I didn’t want to lose our friendship, but because I wanted to gain our friendship – turn it from the half-meant half-committed relationship it is now into something as beautiful as what Tin has with some of the others in the room.

With all those feelings, I realized that I was and should be better than this. I was avoiding at the expense of feeling. I realized that relationships, especially friendships, should never be misjudged on an inevitable goodbye, should never be mistreated on an impending hurt.

Tin, I want so much for you to stay. Thank you for being a true friend; sorry if I hadn’t been one. I will sincerely miss you. Your friendship is a gift I will forever treasure, and this realization is one gift from you that I will forever cherish. You are indeed a wonderful person and it’s an honor and a privilege to just be considered your friend. I am glad I got to meet you here in Japan. Good luck and God bless in your new life in Cebu. ^_^

PS Dznaps, ito na ang hinihintay mong blog entry. Hindi ko lang alam kung dahil mahilig ka lang magbasa or dahil alam mong siya ang topic ng entry ko hahaha!