Pause

Somehow, within the silent spaces between staying and leaving, creep thoughts of missing this place. Filling the pause reserved for words, so that there is really nothing left to say but -

Thank You! 大変お世話になりました！

Booked And Packed

Well, booked, at least.

I'm not nearly done packing just yet.

And it's not out of sheer laziness (although I must admit, it does play a small part), but because it makes the sadness of leaving just a little too real, a little bit too painful. It's sort of like going to the doctor to get an injection - you know it's going to hurt, so you wish for it to be over in a split second or you keep putting it off ("wait wait wait I'm not yet ready!). That's how I feel now. I wish I could just skip the packing and the goodbyes and just be home already. And as my still sane mind is clearly aware that this isn't possible, I keep putting going through the process off for as long as I can.

A friend told me the other day that I shouldn't be scared of leaving especially now with email, instant messaging, FB and whatnot. It's not as if I would just all of a sudden not hear from the people I care about here. And of course, there's my visa - valid until 2013 - so if I really get to miss them that much, I can always come back.

Honestly, it's not the missing that I'm afraid of. It's the forgetting that scares me. It's the possibility that one day I will not matter as much as I'd want to matter to the people I hold close to my heart, and that maybe I had lost the only chance I had of telling them just how special they are to me.

But I guess the only thing I can do is have faith in the bond I think I have with those people. I have to believe that I had made enough of a difference in their lives for them to take a very long time, if not forever, to forget me. And that even in the time spent apart, I would always be with them.

See Beyond Horizons

Perfect weather greeted my new beginning. =)

The Hardest Part of Ending is Starting Again

Linkin Park made me cry today.
Yes, Linkin Park made me cry. Imagine that.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control
...
Picking up those pieces now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

Starting to like Linkin Park's new album. It's a different style from what they used to do, but I must admit that it's quite good too. Still, Hybrid Theory was totally different for me. It was love at first sight.

Maze

Sometimes, I feel like a prisoner in a maze of my confused thoughts.

But I like it - every turn I choose to take leads me to a yet uncovered path that leads to sometimes scary, sometimes sad, but oftentimes wonderful discoveries about myself.

(I'm obviously bored, taken from the apartment's hallway.)

2010 Birthday Wish List

My friend Marvin has been bugging me about my birthday wish list for this year, and I've been meaning to make one as I did every year for my birthday, but with everything that has been going on, I can't seem to get in the mood for it. Honestly, if there's one thing I really want and need, it's for these "mysterious" aches and swollen joints to go away. I can't tell you how much I want to go back to a normal routine - to work hard on weekdays, be able to say TGIF!, and to bake/cook/shoot on weekends. I can't even remember the last time I was able to complete a 40-hour work week.

But I guess that's the point of making this wish list. It's one way to keep my mind optimistic that better days will come.

1. Apple iPad 16GB
   Estimated damage: Y 48,800
   
   
   I had initially wanted a Kindle mainly because it will give me something productive to do while waiting in line for physical therapy or on days when I'm stuck in bed, minus the bulk. But I read photography, food styling, and software development books as much as paperbacks so the small screen and black and white display of Kindle probably won't do. I heard that it's not as good handling PDF either. Also considering that at some point I will probably get tired of just reading and would need a device that lets me do more than that, again minus the bulk, so I thought maybe an iPad would be a better choice.
   
   As for the memory size, I don't really download every free app there is and I only plan on storing videos and e-books that I would be watching/reading for a few weeks at a time, so I am quite sure 16GB would be enough in the meantime. Besides, I don't want to be that fool who invests a whole lot of money on a first-gen gadget. (Why am I thinking of buying a first-gen then? Simply because I have a need and a specific use in mind for it NOW) :D



2. Wacom Bamboo Fun Pen & Touch CTH661
   Estimated damage: Y 15,200
   
   
   Primary reason I want this is that I'm hoping that putting less strain on my hands and arms would help ease my back pain a bit. Second reason, I love editing photos (probably frighteningly more than shooting...) and I'm feeling an interest in graphics design so I want to try that with something that would give me much more accuracy than a simple mouse. I've been reading good reviews about Wacom's Bamboo Fun, and it's supposedly a good and relatively inexpensive choice for beginners.



3. Datacolor Spyder3Pro
   Estimated damage: Y 20,000
   
   
   Probably the most important thing in photo editing and design is to make sure you have the color correct. You don't want a beautiful photo that looks perfect on your screen and looks like a haze of bluish crap on print or on someone else's display. I figured it's high time I bought a monitor color calibrator.



4. Canon EF 100mm f/2.8L IS USM
   Estimated damage: Y 94,000
   
   
   This is the most ambitious and expensive I have ever listed to date, BUT I really really want a macro lens! As I've probably mentioned before, there's something very seductive about getting up close to nature (except critters, ugh!) or to a gorgeous plate of food and letting their bare perfectness speak for themselves.
   



5. A Lovely Weekend In Hokkaido, Nikko, or Chiba (Kamogawa)
   
   Or anywhere where there is a great view of the ocean, the lake, or just breathtaking scenery. I think I need to give my mind a break from all that has been going on and just take the time to breathe and relax and to regroup.
   
   I have Unkai Terrace in Hokkaido in mind, for one. The view is just absolutely breathtaking and spectacular that I cannot imagine a better place to just BREATHE.
   
   
   
   

Relationships Matter More

That's what my mother told me the other day.

At first, I was expecting her anger to root for my anger, her indignation to reflect mine. Instead, she asked me to try to understand and see things from the point of view of all the other people I am angry at, all the people I felt sorry for, and all the others that I feel indifferent to. When I do, I would begin to understand that things are not as unfair as my very pissed off self is imagining it to be.

After a while of wrestling with it, I finally conceded and realized that she was right.

"I know you are worried about a lot of things, but first and foremost, take utmost care of your relationships with the people who have been good to you, more than all the material things you are so afraid to lose now."

She told me that she takes more pride in my character than in my resume, in the people I have bonded with than in the places I have been to. Her heart fills up with joy hearing me talk about my friends, my colleagues, and my happy voice describing just how blessed I am regardless of whatever issues I have. She takes more joy from this than if she were to hear that I had successfully renewed a piece of paper telling me where I can stay, that I got a raise, a new job, or a bigger apartment.

"Who cares what you lose, as long as you don't lose the good in you and the people around you."

I came quite close - to losing the good in me to the anger boiling within me - but thankfully, she saved me.

So...

...who cares if I lose everything else, as long as I don't lose all of you. ♥