Listening has always been one of my greatest strengths, and I know so well that words are just half of the story. I have learned to listen to to the intonation and fluctuations in voice, to body language, and what they all convey. Sometimes though, when it comes to myself, I have a hard time listening to what I need, to what I want, and how I am really feeling.
Take for example, this seemingly harmless osteoarthritis condition I have. I had been feeling the pain for as long as I can remember, but I really didn't pay any attention to it. I've always thought that it's natural for hardworking people, and I do sometimes trick myself (and my boss) to think that I work hard, to feel this pain. I mean, just look at all the ads and CMs for pain relievers - the loyal employee staying late in the office gets up and rubs his neck and back, face contorted in what could only mean excruciating pain. So naturally, anyone would think that it was normal.
But then over the past year, the pain has really gotten worse. So much so that I have had to miss some days of work. It has also gotten to a point where I could not possibly endure an 8-hour work day without taking some form of pain reliever many times during the day. I also never get a full night's rest, since it takes me forever to get comfortable enough in my bed because of the back pain, and second, since I wake up every few minutes or so because of the discomfort. Plus, I'm sort of reluctant to sleep because I often wake up with a very bad headache. There had also been times when I woke up and not be able to turn or just move my neck, as if I've lost all muscle control there.
I sometimes come to work looking like I was up all night partying in some club in Roppongi, but nobody knows I just had 2-3 hours of disturbed sleep and my back and head are killing me at that very moment. But how can I possibly tell them that, when they stay until late at night but I go home earlier than 7. It's bad enough I had to tell my manager that I cannot possibly work for him 100% at this time. I also miss parties, dinners, and other social activities because I "feel tired", which sound nothing more than "I just don't really want to go." I can't cook as much as I used to anymore because the long minutes I have to stand up doing repetitive things like cutting, peeling, stirring, and washing dishes really make my back hurt to a point where I wish I could just take my spine apart like Lego blocks.
Still, I thought it was just psychosomatic pain. I've been under some stressful situations at work and in my personal life recently and I thought maybe the stress was causing the pain. And there were also some good days when I really don't feel a thing, and there were still some where I took the day off only to feel better in the afternoon. I've also seen two doctors about my condition, and while the second one I went to was able to pinpoint what exactly was wrong, they didn't recommend any treatment or anything other than to just "take it easy" and take pain relievers when necessary.
I kept on avoiding really listening to what my body needs. I guess the gravity of this whole thing never really hit me until recently when I was forced to make a decision based on this pain and to let go of a great opportunity that I would have taken in a heartbeat had I been healthy.
Now, I'm listening to my body and I want to take the necessary steps to become better. People live full lives with this condition and I want that for myself too. I also don't want to ever make such important decisions based on my health, it's a very uncomfortable feeling. Plus, I just wanted to write all the things I've been feeling here just to get it out.
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